4. When and how has my life been unmanageable?
Wow - that's 64,000 question isn't it?
Maybe this question should be more - when has it been manageable? It would be a shorter list I think. But that isn't the purpose of the question. It really is about identifying when I felt that I was out of control and how I responded to the condition. Boy this one isn't easy.
Were my eating bouts/binges a response to something that was unmanageable or was it more that because I binged, things were out of control? The age old cause and effect question. I haven't been able to put my finger on that.
Certainly the unmanageable parts of my life have revolved around work more than anytime. Also as my daughter has taken paths that I wish she would avoid, they seem to be things that I can't control.
What is unmanageable? When there is something that you can't control? Or when something that you don't expect occurs and you aren't able to respond appropriately or in a way that would be in your best interest? For me managing my life means limiting things that can have a detrimental impact on your life. I suppose another way to look at that is making choices that are in your best interest - health, wealth and happiness. Its when you don't have a choice and something happens that has a negative impact that things are unmanageable.
In the 7 Habits material it stresses that we don't always have a choice about what happens to us but we always have a choice of how we respond to it. Some would call this being mindful - aware of the stimulus and responding in an appropriate way. So often my response has been to return to the food - the ultimate comfort.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
How have I believed that my life would be manageable if only others around me would do as I wanted?
3. How have I believed that my life would be manageable if only others around me would do as I wanted?
I don't know if I even agree with this question. I can't say that I have been impacted by how others have acted; I feel as if I am pretty independent of others and lately I feel like most people (family and friends) are independent of me.
I suppose that my living situation would improve if Cynthia, my house mate, were a little more amendable to 'carrying' more of the load. I say that but then I realize there are times when it is she that has to accomodate me and my lack of initiative. We don't have a lot of interaction in our tasks - but there are times when we do end up in crossed paths. At times when I want to do something in the kitchen she will also be trying to do something so we end up in the this little dance - (small kitchen, big people). There are times when I just vacate the room because our interchanges annoy me. Easier to clear out and come back when she has finished. I guess what does really bug me is when I have already started something and she will come in to do some cooking. That is irritating . I suppose in the scheme of things thats a pretty minor situation. Its not like having to deal with a spouse making demands or not wanting to give a little in return.
I don't know if I even agree with this question. I can't say that I have been impacted by how others have acted; I feel as if I am pretty independent of others and lately I feel like most people (family and friends) are independent of me.
I suppose that my living situation would improve if Cynthia, my house mate, were a little more amendable to 'carrying' more of the load. I say that but then I realize there are times when it is she that has to accomodate me and my lack of initiative. We don't have a lot of interaction in our tasks - but there are times when we do end up in crossed paths. At times when I want to do something in the kitchen she will also be trying to do something so we end up in the this little dance - (small kitchen, big people). There are times when I just vacate the room because our interchanges annoy me. Easier to clear out and come back when she has finished. I guess what does really bug me is when I have already started something and she will come in to do some cooking. That is irritating . I suppose in the scheme of things thats a pretty minor situation. Its not like having to deal with a spouse making demands or not wanting to give a little in return.
In Touch with My Feelings continued
In my last post I had written about fears and how they create inertia. When I spoke with my sponsor about this he wanted me to expand on that a little more. I am not sure what to say about it except that inertia equates to procrastination. What are the reasons we procrastinate about things - especially relationships.
I know that in my work situation when I am faced with a challenge or a conflict I will do whatever I can to avoid it. Often it will mean putting things off even to my own detriment. I used to make to do lists of the items that I needed to accomplish in a day. I have been through various time management programs (7 habits of highly effective people, Franklin TimeManagement, etc.) and they all suggest that you should prioritize your tasks using a four level or quadrant system.
A level tasks - high importance, high impact - must be done today or life as you know it will be effected.
B level tasks - high importance, low impact - could be delayed but recognize that it can become an A level task overnight.
C level tasks - low importance, high impact - usually routine items that recur that if not done timely will have a consequence but wouldn't create a large ripple, e.g. loan payments, etc.
D level tasks - low importance, low impact - if you don't do them no one will even know. Can be delayed until the are elevated by time. Or if never elevated then can be put off.
Now you would think that those A level tasks would capture my interest and effort but I would find myself working on things that are B or C level because they were easier/didn't involve conflict. Of course, when the A level tasks aren't done, they become very very visible to people (aka bosses).
I recall one point that these classes stressed - always make the prioritization an A level task that you did before you did anything else. You can decide what you are going to do if you haven't already evaluate what you have to do.
What does any of this have to do with fears and avoiding problems. It only shows that when I know that there are A level items to be done - I will often not do them to my own detriment - because the fear of conflict was greater than fear of being found deficient.
Fear of relationships - especially with women: That could go on for days but of course it can be summed up in a quick thought. Fear of rejection. Fear that the person would find me unattractive, boring, unappealing, (at least I didn't say revolting - although that has entered my mind.) I look back on my relationships it was usually with someone who approached me - even my wife. But also Marsha and she who can not be named (she not evil - just wants her privacy maintained). I honestly can't say that I ever approached woman to begin a relationship. Actually I take that back - I did recently ask someone out - she was stunned that I had because our relationship had always been friendly - kindred spirit sort of thing - but she did turn me down because she was already seeing someone (which was news to me).
Sharon was a bit of set up - we were both divorced and our children were friends. We sort of migrated to each other. I had a wonderful time with her, but conflict kind of ended that relationship. I recently tried to rekindle it but found that there was too much baggage from our previous time that wasn't able to overcome. But this isn't really talking about fear.
Now I seldom find myself in situations where I can meet women so it hasn't been something that I have had to work through. My social life is pretty limited - church, OA, family. I had thought about going to eHarmony but that fear of rejection has continued to stymie my resolve.
I guess that is all I want to say on this topic so I will move on.
I know that in my work situation when I am faced with a challenge or a conflict I will do whatever I can to avoid it. Often it will mean putting things off even to my own detriment. I used to make to do lists of the items that I needed to accomplish in a day. I have been through various time management programs (7 habits of highly effective people, Franklin TimeManagement, etc.) and they all suggest that you should prioritize your tasks using a four level or quadrant system.
A level tasks - high importance, high impact - must be done today or life as you know it will be effected.
B level tasks - high importance, low impact - could be delayed but recognize that it can become an A level task overnight.
C level tasks - low importance, high impact - usually routine items that recur that if not done timely will have a consequence but wouldn't create a large ripple, e.g. loan payments, etc.
D level tasks - low importance, low impact - if you don't do them no one will even know. Can be delayed until the are elevated by time. Or if never elevated then can be put off.
Now you would think that those A level tasks would capture my interest and effort but I would find myself working on things that are B or C level because they were easier/didn't involve conflict. Of course, when the A level tasks aren't done, they become very very visible to people (aka bosses).
I recall one point that these classes stressed - always make the prioritization an A level task that you did before you did anything else. You can decide what you are going to do if you haven't already evaluate what you have to do.
What does any of this have to do with fears and avoiding problems. It only shows that when I know that there are A level items to be done - I will often not do them to my own detriment - because the fear of conflict was greater than fear of being found deficient.
Fear of relationships - especially with women: That could go on for days but of course it can be summed up in a quick thought. Fear of rejection. Fear that the person would find me unattractive, boring, unappealing, (at least I didn't say revolting - although that has entered my mind.) I look back on my relationships it was usually with someone who approached me - even my wife. But also Marsha and she who can not be named (she not evil - just wants her privacy maintained). I honestly can't say that I ever approached woman to begin a relationship. Actually I take that back - I did recently ask someone out - she was stunned that I had because our relationship had always been friendly - kindred spirit sort of thing - but she did turn me down because she was already seeing someone (which was news to me).
Sharon was a bit of set up - we were both divorced and our children were friends. We sort of migrated to each other. I had a wonderful time with her, but conflict kind of ended that relationship. I recently tried to rekindle it but found that there was too much baggage from our previous time that wasn't able to overcome. But this isn't really talking about fear.
Now I seldom find myself in situations where I can meet women so it hasn't been something that I have had to work through. My social life is pretty limited - church, OA, family. I had thought about going to eHarmony but that fear of rejection has continued to stymie my resolve.
I guess that is all I want to say on this topic so I will move on.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
In touch with my Feelings?
2. d. Am I in touch with my feelings or have I buried my anger and fear in false cheerfulness? Explain.
Had I answered this question when I first started the program I don’t think I could have given an honest answer. I never felt that I was angry or having fear – or at least didn’t admit to it. It was always ‘easier’ in my mind to bury strong emotions. I had often felt joy – when my children were growing, when things were well with my wife and with my work. Honestly I never wanted to risk displaying anger because I was always so concerned that I wouldn’t be able to control that emotion – that it would become overwhelming.
I spoke in the previous paragraph about my fears at least when it came to relationships. But there were other areas where fears come into play – fear of failure, which creates inertia – not willing to start something. Fear of discovery of personal imperfections and secrets. Fear that I won’t measure up to my own expectations and my perception of the expectations of others.
Cheerfulness is an easier demeanor to have even if you are churning with anger or fear. You aren’t shunned when you are cheerful; you are accepted and liked. So you put on the happy face and try to get along, whether you mean it or not.
Had I answered this question when I first started the program I don’t think I could have given an honest answer. I never felt that I was angry or having fear – or at least didn’t admit to it. It was always ‘easier’ in my mind to bury strong emotions. I had often felt joy – when my children were growing, when things were well with my wife and with my work. Honestly I never wanted to risk displaying anger because I was always so concerned that I wouldn’t be able to control that emotion – that it would become overwhelming.
I spoke in the previous paragraph about my fears at least when it came to relationships. But there were other areas where fears come into play – fear of failure, which creates inertia – not willing to start something. Fear of discovery of personal imperfections and secrets. Fear that I won’t measure up to my own expectations and my perception of the expectations of others.
Cheerfulness is an easier demeanor to have even if you are churning with anger or fear. You aren’t shunned when you are cheerful; you are accepted and liked. So you put on the happy face and try to get along, whether you mean it or not.
2. c Has chronic unhappiness over my eating problems affected my friendships or marriage? How?
Before we separated and then divorced my wife went into a depression. She sought help from professionals and started on a treatment program. I can't say that she was ever out of her depression while we were together. I too was unhappy about how things were in our relationship and a large part of it was our weight. We neither one wanted to be intimate with each other - partly because we were both overweight - and that we were good at talking about issues.
We did see a marriage counselor and tried to make a go of it but after a few years of unhappiness we realized that it wasn't going to work. She eventually asked me to move out.
Other relationships were far between - but one was quite serious. I can't say if it was my unhappiness over eating issues or the inability to talk (do I see a theme here?) that brought that relationship to an unhappy ending. Was my weight a factor in this - perhaps. Certainly weight caused other problems - procrastination, sexual disinterest, especially on her part, and financial stresses.
I think that my weight and the general malaise accompanies it, has made it difficult to start new relationships. Generally I feel that I am not 'attractive' enough to have anyone want to be in relationship, so I don't even try, afraid for the possible rejection. Frankly, I am not even sure how I would even meet someone which may also be a reflection of my insecurities.
Before we separated and then divorced my wife went into a depression. She sought help from professionals and started on a treatment program. I can't say that she was ever out of her depression while we were together. I too was unhappy about how things were in our relationship and a large part of it was our weight. We neither one wanted to be intimate with each other - partly because we were both overweight - and that we were good at talking about issues.
We did see a marriage counselor and tried to make a go of it but after a few years of unhappiness we realized that it wasn't going to work. She eventually asked me to move out.
Other relationships were far between - but one was quite serious. I can't say if it was my unhappiness over eating issues or the inability to talk (do I see a theme here?) that brought that relationship to an unhappy ending. Was my weight a factor in this - perhaps. Certainly weight caused other problems - procrastination, sexual disinterest, especially on her part, and financial stresses.
I think that my weight and the general malaise accompanies it, has made it difficult to start new relationships. Generally I feel that I am not 'attractive' enough to have anyone want to be in relationship, so I don't even try, afraid for the possible rejection. Frankly, I am not even sure how I would even meet someone which may also be a reflection of my insecurities.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Step One - We admitted that we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable
2. b. What has it been like living with me at home?
I wish I knew. I have lived virtually in solitary for several years. I think my housemate 'tolerates' me. It is probably easier to put up with me than it is to change. I am not particularly communicative- I don't know that I have a lot to say so I say nothing.
I try to carry my load in maintaining the house - I do all the dishes, usually take out the trash, I try to do my part to maintain the housework.
Before moving to this house I lived with a friend who had separated from his wife - we both had children in High School and Jr. High so having the time and place for them to spend time with Dad was important. He was seeing a woman outside of town (eventually married her) so he would spend a few nights a week at the apartment and then all his free time at her house. Don't know how this is pertinent to anything - but at times it felt more like a hostel than a home.
Perhaps the best way to call it - I have been sullen, quiet and introverted.
2. b. What has it been like living with me at home?
I wish I knew. I have lived virtually in solitary for several years. I think my housemate 'tolerates' me. It is probably easier to put up with me than it is to change. I am not particularly communicative- I don't know that I have a lot to say so I say nothing.
I try to carry my load in maintaining the house - I do all the dishes, usually take out the trash, I try to do my part to maintain the housework.
Before moving to this house I lived with a friend who had separated from his wife - we both had children in High School and Jr. High so having the time and place for them to spend time with Dad was important. He was seeing a woman outside of town (eventually married her) so he would spend a few nights a week at the apartment and then all his free time at her house. Don't know how this is pertinent to anything - but at times it felt more like a hostel than a home.
Perhaps the best way to call it - I have been sullen, quiet and introverted.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Step One - We admitted that we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. a. Have I excelled at my job or just gotten by? Explain
Since 1993 I have barely gotten by in my job situation. In 1993 when I separated from my ex, I started a new job with a Mortgage Company in Santa Rosa. Initially I was very satisfied with my work and my performance as was my boss. The company was eventually sold and my department was eliminated, except for my position. I began reporting to a manager in New York (where the parent company was located) and my performance began to slip. There were financial problems for me (and the company) and it was eventually sold to a Washington Mutual. This time I wasn't so lucky and operation in Santa Rosa was closed.
My body weight and self-esteem seemed to fluctuate a lot during this transition period; I lost quite a bit of weight on a personal diet plan, partly for personal reasons (a relationship) and for health reasons. When they both fell apart so did my concern, desire, and will to control my eating habits. I have to say all of this a jumble of time.
I was out of work for over a year after 9/11 and went to work for AAA in SF in 2005. Things were going well in the position until I was given a negative performance evaluation. It didn't seem like I could recover from it. A big part of my job was providing customer service to employees and no matter how good you do that if you have a mistake it will come back to bite you. So my performance at AAA was up and down. In 2009 a significant loss was incurred by my department due to my not following up on an issue; it was the last straw and was told I would probably not survive the aftermath, as the company was cutting back. I resigned from the position (rather than having to go through the embarrassment of being fired).
So I can say that I have just gotten by (if you want to call it that).
2. a. Have I excelled at my job or just gotten by? Explain
Since 1993 I have barely gotten by in my job situation. In 1993 when I separated from my ex, I started a new job with a Mortgage Company in Santa Rosa. Initially I was very satisfied with my work and my performance as was my boss. The company was eventually sold and my department was eliminated, except for my position. I began reporting to a manager in New York (where the parent company was located) and my performance began to slip. There were financial problems for me (and the company) and it was eventually sold to a Washington Mutual. This time I wasn't so lucky and operation in Santa Rosa was closed.
My body weight and self-esteem seemed to fluctuate a lot during this transition period; I lost quite a bit of weight on a personal diet plan, partly for personal reasons (a relationship) and for health reasons. When they both fell apart so did my concern, desire, and will to control my eating habits. I have to say all of this a jumble of time.
I was out of work for over a year after 9/11 and went to work for AAA in SF in 2005. Things were going well in the position until I was given a negative performance evaluation. It didn't seem like I could recover from it. A big part of my job was providing customer service to employees and no matter how good you do that if you have a mistake it will come back to bite you. So my performance at AAA was up and down. In 2009 a significant loss was incurred by my department due to my not following up on an issue; it was the last straw and was told I would probably not survive the aftermath, as the company was cutting back. I resigned from the position (rather than having to go through the embarrassment of being fired).
So I can say that I have just gotten by (if you want to call it that).
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Marriage Encounter Formula - When you do this (???) I feel like a (????)
Strange title I know because that isn't what I want to write about tonight but that popped into my feeble brain and became the title for this blog entry.
I went to a Worship Commission Meeting tonight with information concerning the 15 fastest growing churches in California and Hawaii. Specifically I had researched the times that these churches held their worship services with the thought that we were honestly investigating if we should change the timing of the traditional and contemporary services. Little did I know that neither Sue or Dean were open to this and that it was a complete waste of time. I guess the worst of it was to have even the format of the presentation criticized. If there was no legs for this then why was I working on it.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. The more I am involved with this group, the less I want to be involved with this group. I am finding that new ideas are not only not welcome, but to a great extent discouraged. I vow that I will never bring something new to this group - not after the way it was handled.
Adding to my frustration was that there wasn't any banter about would this be something that we should consider.
Now to try to understand my feelings around this. First, why am I so upset - its not the first time that I have been shutdown from the get go. The discussions have usually been open and the banter been good. But tonight it seemed as if making a change was considered to be out of the question.
I also wonder why we have had so many defections from the commission of older members. JoAnne seemed to make sense as she didn't feel that her voice was being heard and she was frustrated by it. Candy was a surprise as this seemed to be a passion for her. To a great extent her exchanges with JoAnne were probably the reason that JoAnne left. Although Dona White said it was because it was too late at night - I wonder if there weren't other reasons for her resigning that haven't been voiced.
Well if trying to please the few that would be inconvenienced versus the many that might come is more important then so be it. It's the bird in the hand versus the two in the bush ... you may not attract the two in the bush so you should hold onto the one in your hand.
Ultimately, Alex was correct. What is our vision? What are we here for? I don't think we know. I think Dave doesn't have a clue about where he is leading us and we haven't figured that out. He says he wants to find our vision but we continue to do the same things over and over - expecting new results. Insanity!
Well this has been cathartic - I feel like I was able to get somethings off my chest. Now if I can just not eat.
I resolve that I will not eat other anything tonight. I will repeat the serenity prayer until it passes. I will read from recovery until it passes. I will not eat.
I went to a Worship Commission Meeting tonight with information concerning the 15 fastest growing churches in California and Hawaii. Specifically I had researched the times that these churches held their worship services with the thought that we were honestly investigating if we should change the timing of the traditional and contemporary services. Little did I know that neither Sue or Dean were open to this and that it was a complete waste of time. I guess the worst of it was to have even the format of the presentation criticized. If there was no legs for this then why was I working on it.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. The more I am involved with this group, the less I want to be involved with this group. I am finding that new ideas are not only not welcome, but to a great extent discouraged. I vow that I will never bring something new to this group - not after the way it was handled.
Adding to my frustration was that there wasn't any banter about would this be something that we should consider.
Now to try to understand my feelings around this. First, why am I so upset - its not the first time that I have been shutdown from the get go. The discussions have usually been open and the banter been good. But tonight it seemed as if making a change was considered to be out of the question.
I also wonder why we have had so many defections from the commission of older members. JoAnne seemed to make sense as she didn't feel that her voice was being heard and she was frustrated by it. Candy was a surprise as this seemed to be a passion for her. To a great extent her exchanges with JoAnne were probably the reason that JoAnne left. Although Dona White said it was because it was too late at night - I wonder if there weren't other reasons for her resigning that haven't been voiced.
Well if trying to please the few that would be inconvenienced versus the many that might come is more important then so be it. It's the bird in the hand versus the two in the bush ... you may not attract the two in the bush so you should hold onto the one in your hand.
Ultimately, Alex was correct. What is our vision? What are we here for? I don't think we know. I think Dave doesn't have a clue about where he is leading us and we haven't figured that out. He says he wants to find our vision but we continue to do the same things over and over - expecting new results. Insanity!
Well this has been cathartic - I feel like I was able to get somethings off my chest. Now if I can just not eat.
I resolve that I will not eat other anything tonight. I will repeat the serenity prayer until it passes. I will read from recovery until it passes. I will not eat.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
2, How has and does this malady effect my life
Step One - We admitted that we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. How has and does this malady affect my life not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well?
I want to focus on the here and the now; not on the what was or what should have been. I know that my physical well being is improving but still not where it should be. Actually I realize that it will never be where 'it should be' because of the destructive behavior that I have had over time. My heart isn't as healthy as it would have been without my selfish eating behaviors; being unable to walk or do exercise is debilitating.
My hope is that I will soon be back in a place that allows for my walking greater distances. I recall that when I turned 55 I walked 10 miles on that birthday. That was a significant achievement for me. Walking to the Old Adobe and back - wow. Would I even consider that now?
Emotional deficiency due to this malady - I am happier now that I have been in many months. I feel like I have a reason to live now. I don't want to focus on the past but I know that at one point I was ready to end it all. But when I was living to eat my emotional state was a complete disaster.
Spiritually - I don't have a close relationship with my God. I know that he loves me and wants the best for me and I know that he has given me the choices that I have made. Would that I could be say to him - take this away, this overriding desire to eat and believe that he would. I suppose if you don't ask, he won't do it. Isn't that the reason for prayer? To ask and hope that God will listen?
2. How has and does this malady affect my life not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well?
I want to focus on the here and the now; not on the what was or what should have been. I know that my physical well being is improving but still not where it should be. Actually I realize that it will never be where 'it should be' because of the destructive behavior that I have had over time. My heart isn't as healthy as it would have been without my selfish eating behaviors; being unable to walk or do exercise is debilitating.
My hope is that I will soon be back in a place that allows for my walking greater distances. I recall that when I turned 55 I walked 10 miles on that birthday. That was a significant achievement for me. Walking to the Old Adobe and back - wow. Would I even consider that now?
Emotional deficiency due to this malady - I am happier now that I have been in many months. I feel like I have a reason to live now. I don't want to focus on the past but I know that at one point I was ready to end it all. But when I was living to eat my emotional state was a complete disaster.
Spiritually - I don't have a close relationship with my God. I know that he loves me and wants the best for me and I know that he has given me the choices that I have made. Would that I could be say to him - take this away, this overriding desire to eat and believe that he would. I suppose if you don't ask, he won't do it. Isn't that the reason for prayer? To ask and hope that God will listen?
Monday, June 28, 2010
Step One - We admitted that we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.
d. Have I returned to my former compulsive overeating behavior after years of recovery?
There are really two thoughts here - returned to former compulsive overeating and years of recovery. For the first part I have returned to compulsive overeating behavior but I can't say that I have had years of recovery. At best I can say is that I have been in the process of recovery many times in the past but I don't believe that I ever was able to follow any plan of eating (except for the see food diet) for an extended period, e.g. more than a few months.
I have never tried to control my eating by using appetite control pills, eg. speed because it seemed like it would only replace one compulsion with another that was probably more destructive than my addiction to food. I remember a movie with Ellyn Burston, where she got hooked on diet pills prescribed by her doctor. She lost weight but also her hair and her self-esteem and her grasp of reality. It may have been an overreach but it still showed that using pills to modify behavior was going to be a problem.
d. Have I returned to my former compulsive overeating behavior after years of recovery?
There are really two thoughts here - returned to former compulsive overeating and years of recovery. For the first part I have returned to compulsive overeating behavior but I can't say that I have had years of recovery. At best I can say is that I have been in the process of recovery many times in the past but I don't believe that I ever was able to follow any plan of eating (except for the see food diet) for an extended period, e.g. more than a few months.
I have never tried to control my eating by using appetite control pills, eg. speed because it seemed like it would only replace one compulsion with another that was probably more destructive than my addiction to food. I remember a movie with Ellyn Burston, where she got hooked on diet pills prescribed by her doctor. She lost weight but also her hair and her self-esteem and her grasp of reality. It may have been an overreach but it still showed that using pills to modify behavior was going to be a problem.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Step One - Question 1c
Step One - We admitted that we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.
b. Are there any particular foods or eating behaviors which give me trouble?
Foods that give me trouble -
eating behaviors
Not that I have identified except that I notice that I tend to eat too fast and don't enjoy my food the way that I should
I eat alone - standing up - or at my desk. I rarely eat at the table.
I am not mindful of my food - so that its more important to get it in than it is to enjoy the food.
b. Are there any particular foods or eating behaviors which give me trouble?
Foods that give me trouble -
- potato chips
- corn chips
- crackers
- pita chips
- salty, crunchy foods
- pretzels
- nuts
- fast foods
- bread - especially hot and homemade
eating behaviors
Not that I have identified except that I notice that I tend to eat too fast and don't enjoy my food the way that I should
I eat alone - standing up - or at my desk. I rarely eat at the table.
I am not mindful of my food - so that its more important to get it in than it is to enjoy the food.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Step One - Question 1b
Step One - We admitted that we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.
b. How have I used excess food to escape life's problem?
Let me count the ways:
I think it partially cost my marriage, may relationship with a person that I loved at one time, and my career..
Did I eat because I was (am) unhappy or was I unhappy because I was (am) so overweight? I think that is the cycle - and the answer is elusive. All I know is that my weight became a problem in my sexual relationship with various partners, that obsession with food became consuming (that's an ironic word to use in this instance). And when the relationship fouled the rest of my life seemed to foul too. So this program will break the cycle - either I will (I said lose but I know that isn't right) be able to control this compulsion, so that I can learn to focus on things that are more important than the food.
b. How have I used excess food to escape life's problem?
Let me count the ways:
I think it partially cost my marriage, may relationship with a person that I loved at one time, and my career..
Did I eat because I was (am) unhappy or was I unhappy because I was (am) so overweight? I think that is the cycle - and the answer is elusive. All I know is that my weight became a problem in my sexual relationship with various partners, that obsession with food became consuming (that's an ironic word to use in this instance). And when the relationship fouled the rest of my life seemed to foul too. So this program will break the cycle - either I will (I said lose but I know that isn't right) be able to control this compulsion, so that I can learn to focus on things that are more important than the food.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Step One - Question 1a
Step One - We admitted that we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.
1. a. What other solutions have I tried, and what were the results? Am I still looking for a solution outside of OA?
I have tried Weight Watchers (twice), many self-diets, and starvation (lease effective). Now that I have been diagnosed with onset diabetes I am trying to make my eating plan incorporate better control of sugars and carbs, especially simple carbs like white flour and pasta.
I haven't tried many things in the past because I didn't have the motivation to try and stop my compulsive overeating - I always viewed it as just being overweight. I know that sounds crazy that I didn't associate my weight with my compulsive eating - I just thought I eat too much all the time but not that is was a compulsive behavior. I don't know if that makes any sense. I think I will ask Kristy about that.
That;s it for today.
1. a. What other solutions have I tried, and what were the results? Am I still looking for a solution outside of OA?
I have tried Weight Watchers (twice), many self-diets, and starvation (lease effective). Now that I have been diagnosed with onset diabetes I am trying to make my eating plan incorporate better control of sugars and carbs, especially simple carbs like white flour and pasta.
I haven't tried many things in the past because I didn't have the motivation to try and stop my compulsive overeating - I always viewed it as just being overweight. I know that sounds crazy that I didn't associate my weight with my compulsive eating - I just thought I eat too much all the time but not that is was a compulsive behavior. I don't know if that makes any sense. I think I will ask Kristy about that.
That;s it for today.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Working the Steps - A new start
I have decided that I am going to work the steps using the workbook but I a different way. Rather than writing my thoughts in the book I am going to record them in this blog. So each day I will take a new question from the workbook enter it into my blog and then record my answer. It may take some time to work through the steps but it will probably be faster than how I have been proceeding up until now. So today is my first entry from the workbook.
******************
Step One - We admitted that we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.
"In OA we are encouraged to take a good look at our compulsive eating, obesity, and the self-destructive things we have done to avoid obesity -- the dieting, starving, over-exercising or purging." Here is a first-step inventory of my eating history.
I don't know when my overeating got so out of control but looking at my life I know that food has always been the center of my life. I have tried diets and programs with good success if I stayed on program. My most successful diet was when I did it on my own - great loss, great feeling. I was hoping for a different result in my heart health - and when it didn't come I lost my interest and commitment.
I was called FR in college (short for Fat Rog) and could only win the Lunch Mouth Award in high school- not a particular noble prize. But I chased it for some recognition. Pretty pathetic.
My wife and I worked very hard in 1984 to lose weight before we went to Europe to visit Dominique and her family. We both looked good and the sex was the best we ever had. Once the weight came back the sex dried up. And then when the marriage feel apart - well it didn't matter anymore did it.
But that isn't what I am suppose to be writing about here am I.
******************
Step One - We admitted that we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.
"In OA we are encouraged to take a good look at our compulsive eating, obesity, and the self-destructive things we have done to avoid obesity -- the dieting, starving, over-exercising or purging." Here is a first-step inventory of my eating history.
I don't know when my overeating got so out of control but looking at my life I know that food has always been the center of my life. I have tried diets and programs with good success if I stayed on program. My most successful diet was when I did it on my own - great loss, great feeling. I was hoping for a different result in my heart health - and when it didn't come I lost my interest and commitment.
I was called FR in college (short for Fat Rog) and could only win the Lunch Mouth Award in high school- not a particular noble prize. But I chased it for some recognition. Pretty pathetic.
My wife and I worked very hard in 1984 to lose weight before we went to Europe to visit Dominique and her family. We both looked good and the sex was the best we ever had. Once the weight came back the sex dried up. And then when the marriage feel apart - well it didn't matter anymore did it.
But that isn't what I am suppose to be writing about here am I.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
First meeting with My Sponsor
Tonight I meet Bill A., my sponsor and I am a little nervous. I don't know why but maybe because of the reasons I previously listed in my last post. The person I had first called wasn't able to take me (maybe its for the best as he lives in Santa Rosa).
Bill and his wife, Elizabeth are both active in OA - they met at OA, which I guess isn't that unusual. He has already given me homework - read and annotate the first step in the 12 & 12 and put a plan of eating in writing. I did both although I can't say that I have been adhering to the Plan so far. But hey, I have made the first step so that is a good thing and I feel good about it.
I will update soon to give my feelings about Bill A and what it is like to have a sponsor.
Bill and his wife, Elizabeth are both active in OA - they met at OA, which I guess isn't that unusual. He has already given me homework - read and annotate the first step in the 12 & 12 and put a plan of eating in writing. I did both although I can't say that I have been adhering to the Plan so far. But hey, I have made the first step so that is a good thing and I feel good about it.
I will update soon to give my feelings about Bill A and what it is like to have a sponsor.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Made the call for a sponsor
It has taken me over six months to call someone to be a sponsor. Maybe it's the first move to the second step - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. But why was I so reluctant to make this decision?
So with a sponsor maybe I can really begin the journey instead of meandering.
- I am afraid to turn over my life to someone else even if its only a little bit.
- I am afraid that they will have expectations that I can't achieve.
- I am afraid that I can't do what they want.
- I am afraid that I will lose some of the things I love to eat.
- I am afraid to be accountable.
- I am afraid that if I will have to share why more than I am willing to share.
- I am afraid that I will have to give up some other things in my addictive behavior that I want to keep.
- I am afraid that I will be judged
So with a sponsor maybe I can really begin the journey instead of meandering.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Help Me I Think I'm Fallin' -- Joanie Mitchell
I think that I am having a horrible relapse. I go to meetings every week and my resolve is good on Thursday night and even on Friday morning. But by Friday evening I want crunch, salt, and regrettably fat. I have substituted white bread with whole wheat and say ... well I am eating healthy anyway. But that isn't enough because I am eating too much, much too much.
I want to change my lifestyle so that I am attractive to someone. I think that my weight has made be (in my mind) unattractive and unapproachable. I want to be able to have a relationship (I know at 60 is it too late?!) and I don't think that will happen if I am pushing my weight to the limit.
I do feel a lot better even if I am not be abstinent. My clothes fit better, I can see bodyparts that were hidden to me before (if you catch my drift) and I can walk and talk at the same time without getting breathless. I stopped taking my heart meds and I think it was the best thing for me. I may end up regretting that some day (maybe soon) but I feel better now.
Tonight is meeting night and I think I need to make the plunge and ask someone to be a sponsor. Judith says I shouldn't ask Margee - that she is too rigid but I have a closer affinity to her than any other sponsor in this group. And if the role of the sponsor is to keep you focused than having someone who is rigid may be the right choice. Its my choice and I think that I will ask her tonight.
I guess that's it. They say writing is one of the eight tools to have and now I will read from the Big Book.
I want to change my lifestyle so that I am attractive to someone. I think that my weight has made be (in my mind) unattractive and unapproachable. I want to be able to have a relationship (I know at 60 is it too late?!) and I don't think that will happen if I am pushing my weight to the limit.
I do feel a lot better even if I am not be abstinent. My clothes fit better, I can see bodyparts that were hidden to me before (if you catch my drift) and I can walk and talk at the same time without getting breathless. I stopped taking my heart meds and I think it was the best thing for me. I may end up regretting that some day (maybe soon) but I feel better now.
Tonight is meeting night and I think I need to make the plunge and ask someone to be a sponsor. Judith says I shouldn't ask Margee - that she is too rigid but I have a closer affinity to her than any other sponsor in this group. And if the role of the sponsor is to keep you focused than having someone who is rigid may be the right choice. Its my choice and I think that I will ask her tonight.
I guess that's it. They say writing is one of the eight tools to have and now I will read from the Big Book.
Friday, March 26, 2010
My Body hates me ....
Last night was a meeting night - all day I had been teetering on starting a binge. I went to the store, looked at all kinds of comfort foods - pizza, steaks, even tv dinner fried chicken. I was able to resist and left, feeling like I had accomplished something. Earlier in the day, when I had heard that Dave's wife had moved out, taken the kids and sounded like she was going to make his life a living hell (not to mention that his job is serious jeopardy, and his house is upside down), I really do fear for him and his personal sanity.
I don't know why his situation set me into a tailspin but I was upset about it all. Then Stephanie tells me that she wants to be fat ... what the hell does that mean? I am sure that she doesn't understand what that means and that it is crazy-20 year old logic (been there myself).
Got through the meeting, visited with the MTB and her husband, and on the way home stopped at the grocery store to get 'health foods'. Yeah right.... I bought a claimjumper turkey pot pie. Ate it loved it. But at 5 AM my body said- serves you right and I the biggest bout of diarreha. Okay now - but a lesson learned.
I don't know why his situation set me into a tailspin but I was upset about it all. Then Stephanie tells me that she wants to be fat ... what the hell does that mean? I am sure that she doesn't understand what that means and that it is crazy-20 year old logic (been there myself).
Got through the meeting, visited with the MTB and her husband, and on the way home stopped at the grocery store to get 'health foods'. Yeah right.... I bought a claimjumper turkey pot pie. Ate it loved it. But at 5 AM my body said- serves you right and I the biggest bout of diarreha. Okay now - but a lesson learned.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Has it been so long?
I guess when you are writing for yourself it's hard to be disciplined. Tonight (meeting night) someone shared that they had been writing and they were finding it very fulfilling. So that is what is driving me now - get into the writing. Even if it comes to nothing and is never read by anyone, its worth it to 'dump' the crap so I can move on to better things.
I didn't share tonight but did write a comment that I had too much bread. Cynthia had observed yesterday that it seemed like I was making alot of bread lately (actually she said that I was eating a lot of bread lately.) I was in the process of making yet another pizza. I have been able to rationalize that since i was making things with whole wheat flour and that was healthier than white flour, that I didn't have to be as conscientious about how much I was taking in. I thought about it and I have been averaging at least 3 (4 honestly) slices of bread each day. That's probably not on my plan of eating (if I had one.)
I guess that's what I need to do - 1. find a sponsor and 2. develop a consistent plan of eating. I haven't wanted to approach anyone about being a sponsor - not sure why. Because they are women? Because I am not ready to be in communion with a person about my eating? Because I don't want to be held accountable? I don't know if that is what a sponsor does - I mean that is what it seems like with AA -your sponsor becomes your conscience right?
The plan of eating is also a problem - I mean I like being able to 'pick' what I want when I want it and as long as I observe sufficient time between meals and cut some of the problem foods (junk food, trigger foods, fatty foods) then I am being abstinent right? I wish I could ask someone that question. Maybe I will - call one of the persons in OA and get there feedback.
Well this doesn't make up for the weeks that I haven't posted but if a create a regimin I can really make this a tool that will work for me. I need to set a time when I will blog (journal) and stick to the plan. Early or Late - first thing in the morning. That might be good because I can make my daily commitment that way and start out in the right frame of mind. A little reading, a little journaling and who knows maybe I can really make a change.
I didn't share tonight but did write a comment that I had too much bread. Cynthia had observed yesterday that it seemed like I was making alot of bread lately (actually she said that I was eating a lot of bread lately.) I was in the process of making yet another pizza. I have been able to rationalize that since i was making things with whole wheat flour and that was healthier than white flour, that I didn't have to be as conscientious about how much I was taking in. I thought about it and I have been averaging at least 3 (4 honestly) slices of bread each day. That's probably not on my plan of eating (if I had one.)
I guess that's what I need to do - 1. find a sponsor and 2. develop a consistent plan of eating. I haven't wanted to approach anyone about being a sponsor - not sure why. Because they are women? Because I am not ready to be in communion with a person about my eating? Because I don't want to be held accountable? I don't know if that is what a sponsor does - I mean that is what it seems like with AA -your sponsor becomes your conscience right?
The plan of eating is also a problem - I mean I like being able to 'pick' what I want when I want it and as long as I observe sufficient time between meals and cut some of the problem foods (junk food, trigger foods, fatty foods) then I am being abstinent right? I wish I could ask someone that question. Maybe I will - call one of the persons in OA and get there feedback.
Well this doesn't make up for the weeks that I haven't posted but if a create a regimin I can really make this a tool that will work for me. I need to set a time when I will blog (journal) and stick to the plan. Early or Late - first thing in the morning. That might be good because I can make my daily commitment that way and start out in the right frame of mind. A little reading, a little journaling and who knows maybe I can really make a change.
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