4. When and how has my life been unmanageable?
Wow - that's 64,000 question isn't it?
Maybe this question should be more - when has it been manageable? It would be a shorter list I think. But that isn't the purpose of the question. It really is about identifying when I felt that I was out of control and how I responded to the condition. Boy this one isn't easy.
Were my eating bouts/binges a response to something that was unmanageable or was it more that because I binged, things were out of control? The age old cause and effect question. I haven't been able to put my finger on that.
Certainly the unmanageable parts of my life have revolved around work more than anytime. Also as my daughter has taken paths that I wish she would avoid, they seem to be things that I can't control.
What is unmanageable? When there is something that you can't control? Or when something that you don't expect occurs and you aren't able to respond appropriately or in a way that would be in your best interest? For me managing my life means limiting things that can have a detrimental impact on your life. I suppose another way to look at that is making choices that are in your best interest - health, wealth and happiness. Its when you don't have a choice and something happens that has a negative impact that things are unmanageable.
In the 7 Habits material it stresses that we don't always have a choice about what happens to us but we always have a choice of how we respond to it. Some would call this being mindful - aware of the stimulus and responding in an appropriate way. So often my response has been to return to the food - the ultimate comfort.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
How have I believed that my life would be manageable if only others around me would do as I wanted?
3. How have I believed that my life would be manageable if only others around me would do as I wanted?
I don't know if I even agree with this question. I can't say that I have been impacted by how others have acted; I feel as if I am pretty independent of others and lately I feel like most people (family and friends) are independent of me.
I suppose that my living situation would improve if Cynthia, my house mate, were a little more amendable to 'carrying' more of the load. I say that but then I realize there are times when it is she that has to accomodate me and my lack of initiative. We don't have a lot of interaction in our tasks - but there are times when we do end up in crossed paths. At times when I want to do something in the kitchen she will also be trying to do something so we end up in the this little dance - (small kitchen, big people). There are times when I just vacate the room because our interchanges annoy me. Easier to clear out and come back when she has finished. I guess what does really bug me is when I have already started something and she will come in to do some cooking. That is irritating . I suppose in the scheme of things thats a pretty minor situation. Its not like having to deal with a spouse making demands or not wanting to give a little in return.
I don't know if I even agree with this question. I can't say that I have been impacted by how others have acted; I feel as if I am pretty independent of others and lately I feel like most people (family and friends) are independent of me.
I suppose that my living situation would improve if Cynthia, my house mate, were a little more amendable to 'carrying' more of the load. I say that but then I realize there are times when it is she that has to accomodate me and my lack of initiative. We don't have a lot of interaction in our tasks - but there are times when we do end up in crossed paths. At times when I want to do something in the kitchen she will also be trying to do something so we end up in the this little dance - (small kitchen, big people). There are times when I just vacate the room because our interchanges annoy me. Easier to clear out and come back when she has finished. I guess what does really bug me is when I have already started something and she will come in to do some cooking. That is irritating . I suppose in the scheme of things thats a pretty minor situation. Its not like having to deal with a spouse making demands or not wanting to give a little in return.
In Touch with My Feelings continued
In my last post I had written about fears and how they create inertia. When I spoke with my sponsor about this he wanted me to expand on that a little more. I am not sure what to say about it except that inertia equates to procrastination. What are the reasons we procrastinate about things - especially relationships.
I know that in my work situation when I am faced with a challenge or a conflict I will do whatever I can to avoid it. Often it will mean putting things off even to my own detriment. I used to make to do lists of the items that I needed to accomplish in a day. I have been through various time management programs (7 habits of highly effective people, Franklin TimeManagement, etc.) and they all suggest that you should prioritize your tasks using a four level or quadrant system.
A level tasks - high importance, high impact - must be done today or life as you know it will be effected.
B level tasks - high importance, low impact - could be delayed but recognize that it can become an A level task overnight.
C level tasks - low importance, high impact - usually routine items that recur that if not done timely will have a consequence but wouldn't create a large ripple, e.g. loan payments, etc.
D level tasks - low importance, low impact - if you don't do them no one will even know. Can be delayed until the are elevated by time. Or if never elevated then can be put off.
Now you would think that those A level tasks would capture my interest and effort but I would find myself working on things that are B or C level because they were easier/didn't involve conflict. Of course, when the A level tasks aren't done, they become very very visible to people (aka bosses).
I recall one point that these classes stressed - always make the prioritization an A level task that you did before you did anything else. You can decide what you are going to do if you haven't already evaluate what you have to do.
What does any of this have to do with fears and avoiding problems. It only shows that when I know that there are A level items to be done - I will often not do them to my own detriment - because the fear of conflict was greater than fear of being found deficient.
Fear of relationships - especially with women: That could go on for days but of course it can be summed up in a quick thought. Fear of rejection. Fear that the person would find me unattractive, boring, unappealing, (at least I didn't say revolting - although that has entered my mind.) I look back on my relationships it was usually with someone who approached me - even my wife. But also Marsha and she who can not be named (she not evil - just wants her privacy maintained). I honestly can't say that I ever approached woman to begin a relationship. Actually I take that back - I did recently ask someone out - she was stunned that I had because our relationship had always been friendly - kindred spirit sort of thing - but she did turn me down because she was already seeing someone (which was news to me).
Sharon was a bit of set up - we were both divorced and our children were friends. We sort of migrated to each other. I had a wonderful time with her, but conflict kind of ended that relationship. I recently tried to rekindle it but found that there was too much baggage from our previous time that wasn't able to overcome. But this isn't really talking about fear.
Now I seldom find myself in situations where I can meet women so it hasn't been something that I have had to work through. My social life is pretty limited - church, OA, family. I had thought about going to eHarmony but that fear of rejection has continued to stymie my resolve.
I guess that is all I want to say on this topic so I will move on.
I know that in my work situation when I am faced with a challenge or a conflict I will do whatever I can to avoid it. Often it will mean putting things off even to my own detriment. I used to make to do lists of the items that I needed to accomplish in a day. I have been through various time management programs (7 habits of highly effective people, Franklin TimeManagement, etc.) and they all suggest that you should prioritize your tasks using a four level or quadrant system.
A level tasks - high importance, high impact - must be done today or life as you know it will be effected.
B level tasks - high importance, low impact - could be delayed but recognize that it can become an A level task overnight.
C level tasks - low importance, high impact - usually routine items that recur that if not done timely will have a consequence but wouldn't create a large ripple, e.g. loan payments, etc.
D level tasks - low importance, low impact - if you don't do them no one will even know. Can be delayed until the are elevated by time. Or if never elevated then can be put off.
Now you would think that those A level tasks would capture my interest and effort but I would find myself working on things that are B or C level because they were easier/didn't involve conflict. Of course, when the A level tasks aren't done, they become very very visible to people (aka bosses).
I recall one point that these classes stressed - always make the prioritization an A level task that you did before you did anything else. You can decide what you are going to do if you haven't already evaluate what you have to do.
What does any of this have to do with fears and avoiding problems. It only shows that when I know that there are A level items to be done - I will often not do them to my own detriment - because the fear of conflict was greater than fear of being found deficient.
Fear of relationships - especially with women: That could go on for days but of course it can be summed up in a quick thought. Fear of rejection. Fear that the person would find me unattractive, boring, unappealing, (at least I didn't say revolting - although that has entered my mind.) I look back on my relationships it was usually with someone who approached me - even my wife. But also Marsha and she who can not be named (she not evil - just wants her privacy maintained). I honestly can't say that I ever approached woman to begin a relationship. Actually I take that back - I did recently ask someone out - she was stunned that I had because our relationship had always been friendly - kindred spirit sort of thing - but she did turn me down because she was already seeing someone (which was news to me).
Sharon was a bit of set up - we were both divorced and our children were friends. We sort of migrated to each other. I had a wonderful time with her, but conflict kind of ended that relationship. I recently tried to rekindle it but found that there was too much baggage from our previous time that wasn't able to overcome. But this isn't really talking about fear.
Now I seldom find myself in situations where I can meet women so it hasn't been something that I have had to work through. My social life is pretty limited - church, OA, family. I had thought about going to eHarmony but that fear of rejection has continued to stymie my resolve.
I guess that is all I want to say on this topic so I will move on.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
In touch with my Feelings?
2. d. Am I in touch with my feelings or have I buried my anger and fear in false cheerfulness? Explain.
Had I answered this question when I first started the program I don’t think I could have given an honest answer. I never felt that I was angry or having fear – or at least didn’t admit to it. It was always ‘easier’ in my mind to bury strong emotions. I had often felt joy – when my children were growing, when things were well with my wife and with my work. Honestly I never wanted to risk displaying anger because I was always so concerned that I wouldn’t be able to control that emotion – that it would become overwhelming.
I spoke in the previous paragraph about my fears at least when it came to relationships. But there were other areas where fears come into play – fear of failure, which creates inertia – not willing to start something. Fear of discovery of personal imperfections and secrets. Fear that I won’t measure up to my own expectations and my perception of the expectations of others.
Cheerfulness is an easier demeanor to have even if you are churning with anger or fear. You aren’t shunned when you are cheerful; you are accepted and liked. So you put on the happy face and try to get along, whether you mean it or not.
Had I answered this question when I first started the program I don’t think I could have given an honest answer. I never felt that I was angry or having fear – or at least didn’t admit to it. It was always ‘easier’ in my mind to bury strong emotions. I had often felt joy – when my children were growing, when things were well with my wife and with my work. Honestly I never wanted to risk displaying anger because I was always so concerned that I wouldn’t be able to control that emotion – that it would become overwhelming.
I spoke in the previous paragraph about my fears at least when it came to relationships. But there were other areas where fears come into play – fear of failure, which creates inertia – not willing to start something. Fear of discovery of personal imperfections and secrets. Fear that I won’t measure up to my own expectations and my perception of the expectations of others.
Cheerfulness is an easier demeanor to have even if you are churning with anger or fear. You aren’t shunned when you are cheerful; you are accepted and liked. So you put on the happy face and try to get along, whether you mean it or not.
2. c Has chronic unhappiness over my eating problems affected my friendships or marriage? How?
Before we separated and then divorced my wife went into a depression. She sought help from professionals and started on a treatment program. I can't say that she was ever out of her depression while we were together. I too was unhappy about how things were in our relationship and a large part of it was our weight. We neither one wanted to be intimate with each other - partly because we were both overweight - and that we were good at talking about issues.
We did see a marriage counselor and tried to make a go of it but after a few years of unhappiness we realized that it wasn't going to work. She eventually asked me to move out.
Other relationships were far between - but one was quite serious. I can't say if it was my unhappiness over eating issues or the inability to talk (do I see a theme here?) that brought that relationship to an unhappy ending. Was my weight a factor in this - perhaps. Certainly weight caused other problems - procrastination, sexual disinterest, especially on her part, and financial stresses.
I think that my weight and the general malaise accompanies it, has made it difficult to start new relationships. Generally I feel that I am not 'attractive' enough to have anyone want to be in relationship, so I don't even try, afraid for the possible rejection. Frankly, I am not even sure how I would even meet someone which may also be a reflection of my insecurities.
Before we separated and then divorced my wife went into a depression. She sought help from professionals and started on a treatment program. I can't say that she was ever out of her depression while we were together. I too was unhappy about how things were in our relationship and a large part of it was our weight. We neither one wanted to be intimate with each other - partly because we were both overweight - and that we were good at talking about issues.
We did see a marriage counselor and tried to make a go of it but after a few years of unhappiness we realized that it wasn't going to work. She eventually asked me to move out.
Other relationships were far between - but one was quite serious. I can't say if it was my unhappiness over eating issues or the inability to talk (do I see a theme here?) that brought that relationship to an unhappy ending. Was my weight a factor in this - perhaps. Certainly weight caused other problems - procrastination, sexual disinterest, especially on her part, and financial stresses.
I think that my weight and the general malaise accompanies it, has made it difficult to start new relationships. Generally I feel that I am not 'attractive' enough to have anyone want to be in relationship, so I don't even try, afraid for the possible rejection. Frankly, I am not even sure how I would even meet someone which may also be a reflection of my insecurities.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
