2, How has and does this malady effect my life

Step One - We admitted that we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. How has and does this malady affect my life not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well?

I want to focus on the here and the now; not on the what was or what should have been. I know that my physical well being is improving but still not where it should be. Actually I realize that it will never be where 'it should be' because of the destructive behavior that I have had over time. My heart isn't as healthy as it would have been without my selfish eating behaviors; being unable to walk or do exercise is debilitating.

My hope is that I will soon be back in a place that allows for my walking greater distances. I recall that when I turned 55 I walked 10 miles on that birthday. That was a significant achievement for me. Walking to the Old Adobe and back - wow. Would I even consider that now?

Emotional deficiency due to this malady - I am happier now that I have been in many months. I feel like I have a reason to live now. I don't want to focus on the past but I know that at one point I was ready to end it all. But when I was living to eat my emotional state was a complete disaster.

Spiritually - I don't have a close relationship with my God. I know that he loves me and wants the best for me and I know that he has given me the choices that I have made. Would that I could be say to him - take this away, this overriding desire to eat and believe that he would. I suppose if you don't ask, he won't do it. Isn't that the reason for prayer? To ask and hope that God will listen?

Step One - We admitted that we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

d. Have I returned to my former compulsive overeating behavior after years of recovery?

There are really two thoughts here - returned to former compulsive overeating and years of recovery. For the first part I have returned to compulsive overeating behavior but I can't say that I have had years of recovery. At best I can say is that I have been in the process of recovery many times in the past but I don't believe that I ever was able to follow any plan of eating (except for the see food diet) for an extended period, e.g. more than a few months.

I have never tried to control my eating by using appetite control pills, eg. speed because it seemed like it would only replace one compulsion with another that was probably more destructive than my addiction to food. I remember a movie with Ellyn Burston, where she got hooked on diet pills prescribed by her doctor. She lost weight but also her hair and her self-esteem and her grasp of reality. It may have been an overreach but it still showed that using pills to modify behavior was going to be a problem.

Step One - Question 1c

Step One - We admitted that we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

b. Are there any particular foods or eating behaviors which give me trouble?

Foods that give me trouble -

1. potato chips
2. corn chips
3. crackers
4. pita chips
5. salty, crunchy foods
6. pretzels
7. nuts
8. fast foods
9. bread - especially hot and homemade

eating behaviors
Not that I have identified except that I notice that I tend to eat too fast and don't enjoy my food the way that I should
I eat alone - standing up - or at my desk. I rarely eat at the table.

I am not mindful of my food - so that its more important to get it in than it is to enjoy the food.

Step One - We admitted that we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

b.Are there any particular foods or eating behaviors which give me trouble?

Step One - Question 1b

Step One - We admitted that we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

b. How have I used excess food to escape life's problem?

Let me count the ways:

I think it partially cost my marriage, may relationship with a person that I loved at one time, and my career..

Did I eat because I was (am) unhappy or was I unhappy because I was (am) so overweight? I think that is the cycle - and the answer is elusive. All I know is that my weight became a problem in my sexual relationship with various partners, that obsession with food became consuming (that's an ironic word to use in this instance). And when the relationship fouled the rest of my life seemed to foul too. So this program will break the cycle - either I will (I said lose but I know that isn't right) be able to control this compulsion, so that I can learn to focus on things that are more important than the food.

Step One - Question 1a

Step One - We admitted that we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

1. a. What other solutions have I tried, and what were the results? Am I still looking for a solution outside of OA?

I have tried Weight Watchers (twice), many self-diets, and starvation (lease effective). Now that I have been diagnosed with onset diabetes I am trying to make my eating plan incorporate better control of sugars and carbs, especially simple carbs like white flour and pasta.

I haven't tried many things in the past because I didn't have the motivation to try and stop my compulsive overeating - I always viewed it as just being overweight. I know that sounds crazy that I didn't associate my weight with my compulsive eating - I just thought I eat too much all the time but not that is was a compulsive behavior. I don't know if that makes any sense. I think I will ask Kristy about that.

That;s it for today.

Working the Steps - A new start

I have decided that I am going to work the steps using the workbook but I a different way. Rather than writing my thoughts in the book I am going to record them in this blog. So each day I will take a new question from the workbook enter it into my blog and then record my answer. It may take some time to work through the steps but it will probably be faster than how I have been proceeding up until now. So today is my first entry from the workbook.

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Step One - We admitted that we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

"In OA we are encouraged to take a good look at our compulsive eating, obesity, and the self-destructive things we have done to avoid obesity -- the dieting, starving, over-exercising or purging." Here is a first-step inventory of my eating history.

I don't know when my overeating got so out of control but looking at my life I know that food has always been the center of my life. I have tried diets and programs with good success if I stayed on program. My most successful diet was when I did it on my own - great loss, great feeling. I was hoping for a different result in my heart health - and when it didn't come I lost my interest and commitment.

I was called FR in college (short for Fat Rog) and could only win the Lunch Mouth Award in high school- not a particular noble prize. But I chased it for some recognition. Pretty pathetic.

My wife and I worked very hard in 1984 to lose weight before we went to Europe to visit Dominique and her family. We both looked good and the sex was the best we ever had. Once the weight came back the sex dried up. And then when the marriage feel apart - well it didn't matter anymore did it.

But that isn't what I am suppose to be writing about here am I.

First meeting with My Sponsor

Tonight I meet Bill A., my sponsor and I am a little nervous. I don't know why but maybe because of the reasons I previously listed in my last post. The person I had first called wasn't able to take me (maybe its for the best as he lives in Santa Rosa).

Bill and his wife, Elizabeth are both active in OA - they met at OA, which I guess isn't that unusual. He has already given me homework - read and annotate the first step in the 12 & 12 and put a plan of eating in writing. I did both although I can't say that I have been adhering to the Plan so far. But hey, I have made the first step so that is a good thing and I feel good about it.

I will update soon to give my feelings about Bill A and what it is like to have a sponsor.

Made the call for a sponsor

It has taken me over six months to call someone to be a sponsor. Maybe it's the first move to the second step - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. But why was I so reluctant to make this decision?

1. I am afraid to turn over my life to someone else even if its only a little bit.
2. I am afraid that they will have expectations that I can't achieve.
3. I am afraid that I can't do what they want.
4. I am afraid that I will lose some of the things I love to eat.
5. I am afraid to be accountable.
6. I am afraid that if I will have to share why more than I am willing to share.
7. I am afraid that I will have to give up some other things in my addictive behavior that I want to keep.
8. I am afraid that I will be judged

I wanted to make this list at least 12 but honestly can't think of any other things I should be including - that's probably my own fault because I am sure there are a lot of other fears that I haven't identified.

So with a sponsor maybe I can really begin the journey instead of meandering.