2.5 I have not acted sanely when: e. I drew the drapes, disconnected the phone and hid in the house?

I can't say that I have ever done this - but I have not answered the phone when it has rung because I didn't want to engage with someone, usually when I don't know the caller or I know them, but don't want to engage with them. This is tied to my self-esteem.

2.5 I have not acted sanely when: d. I limited my social life?

I addressed this in the previous response.

2.5 I have not acted sanely when: c. I was more comfortable with food than with people.

Boy does this ever ring true for me. I would much rather spend time in the kitchen than meeting with the people. When I have cooked for large groups and there is the perfunctory thank you applause, I have preferred to remain in the the kitchen cleaning up from the cooking than facing the crowd. A couple of times I have been shamed into getting the applause.

I suppose this question is more about preferring to be alone and eating than being with people - I have at other times hovered around the 'food table' rather than engaging with people at a party - as if my weight made me uninteresting and so I would prefer to eat than to engage. I actually turn down invitations rather than having to be in that situation.

I put my hand in yours

I put my hand in yours
and together we can do
what we could never do alone.

No longer is there a sense of hopelessness.
No longer must we each depend upon
our own unsteady willpower.

We are all together now,
reaching out our hands for power and strength
greater than ours.

And as we join hands,
We find love and understanding
Beyond our wildest dreams.

2.5 I have not acted sanely when: b. I was jealously possessive of my mate?

This really doesn't apply at least when it comes to my ex-wife. But I do recall that my relationship with Marsha was more complex in this area. Because we weren't 'free' when we started up our relationship I always felt that we were temporary. And because of that I always wondered how committed she was to 'us'. Perhaps that was a way of being possessive.

2.5: How have I not acted sanely when: a. I yelled in response to my children's need for attention?

2.5: How have I not acted sanely when:
a. I yelled in response to my children's need for attention?

I don't recollect that this was an issue for me but I suppose there have been times when my children have needed my attention and I was so focused on food that I didn't recognize their needs. I do recall many times when I would spend time preparing meals for the kids when they would be coming for a visit (evening or weekend) and I would be more worried about making sure that they were fed (and of course me too) that I wouldn't give them the attention they would need. I would tell them to go watch TV or read a book (which they rarely did) or get busy with homework - so I could focus on getting the food ready. And then of course it was more important to me that they eat than talk. So often I would find them not interested in the food and would get upset that they didn't care about what I had prepared, which was disappointing. After all it was food so how could they not care.

2.4 In what ways have I continued to try to find comfort in excess food, long after it began to cause me misery?

Psychologically I can see there is a euphoria from eating, especially foods I like. That first bite of a very rich dessert, homemade bread, or a well seasoned piece of beef is fantastic. The second bite is good but not as good as the first. Each succeeding bite the intensity and the flavors diminish to the point that by time that last bite is eaten it has become almost mundane. My daughter is a person who can get so much enjoyment from one bite of food - but once the flavor has diminished she no longer feels a need to eat. Often she will leave 80% of her meal uneaten because she has what she wanted from it - a taste and a fullness.
Myself on the other hand find that instead of accepting that the second, third and fourth bites of something (or serving of something) will not taste as rich and flavorful as the first bite and stop when I have reached fullness, continue to eat until its all gone. stopping just isn't part of my nature so I eat beyond fullness, beyond comfort.

One other factor that plays into this is that the results of overeating may not be felt until several hours later when reflux happens, heart burn and even inhalation from the reflux. When I was eating enough to feed a family of four I would often get reflux that I would inhale, causing a miserable night of coughing, rasping and discomfort. Since I have been able to control my eating I feel better able to avoid the reflux discomfort.

2.3 When those methods worked, how have I inevitably lost control and overeaten again, putting back on the weight I worked so hard to lose? Explain.

I think that once I have lost the weight (even now) that I can dabble in the 'forbidden fruit'. Its okay to have that dessert, that extra serving of pasta, that pint of ice cream because I know that I can lose it later. And besides what is one extra serving going to do to me and my weight - after all its only one little bit more.
Boy can I justify it .... its easy to say it won't make that much difference and I have the will power to control my eating tomorrow. So today its eat drink and eat some more.
I find sometimes when I have broken my abstinence, that I will say to my self "Well since you have already cheated you can do whatever you want today." As if there's someone keeping a score card and once you have blown it you might as well get everything that you have wanted but couldn't have. The irony is until I realize that I have to replace the 'want' with the 'need' and only look for the things I need. I am usually about the want not the need.

2,2 In what ways have I obsessed with diets and/or weight loss schemes?

I haven't been a diet freak - I have tried diets in the past and had reasonable success but I wouldn't say that I was obsessed. Of course the diets didn't stick - once I lost my focus my eating would go out of control again and I would put the weight back on. Although some of these programs worked on portion control and even behavior changes, most of the focus was on the physical aspects of weight, a little about the emotional aspects and nothing about the spiritual aspects. There was nothing about getting help from other sources - the focus was on how your life would improve once your body image was changed.

I have never tried to use drugs to control my appetite - that was always seemed like a no win situation. You might stop eating but what the hell was it doing to your body? And once you were done with the pills, what would happen? Appetite returns, weight gained - only thing that is smaller is your wallet (and your self-esteem.)

How has your complusive eating harmed your life? Include at least five ways.

The question asks to list at least five ways that compulsive eating has harmed my life:

1. My health - although I feel like my health has improved at one point it was totally a slug; couldn't walk, could perform even mundane task without becoming breathless; high blood pressure and onset diabetes.

2. My relationships - my eating has added to my weight and my weight has made me unattractive; being unattractive has made me lonely.

3. My ego - I like to think of myself as I was when I was in school - young and energetic, but I know I am not. That knowledge has taken its toll on my self-esteem and therefore how I think of myself. I often feel that I can't succeed so why try.

4. my finances - because of the lack of self esteem I haven't tried to find employment. Being unemployed has required me to use funds that were earmarked for retirement. Using those funds has impacted my taxes, my belief that I can eventually retire - of course I suppose I am retired but it won't be comfortably.

5. my family - I don't feel that I have been able to provide for my children in a way that will make them feel less threatened by the things that they will face in their lives, both financial and socially. Although Vickie is happy and doing well I think she is living on a shoestring and may very well have financial problems in the future. Stephanie hasn't shown any interest in getting an education or a more satisfying and better paying job. Should I as her parent take responsibility for that? Or is that the sign of being a co-dependent? Yet I know that if I were in a better place financially I could be a help but at the same time that isn't what she needs.

And what does this have to do with my overeating issues? I know that there is relationship although maybe not as direct as the question implies.

What does being a compulsive overeater mean to you? Why did you compulsively eat?

After sex, eating is the most pleasurable thing that I have ever experienced physically. Certainly there are more emotional things - hugging my children, watching them succeed or show joy, being with a person that I love, even feeling the empathetic hurt and pain of someone when they tell how their lives are in a shambles. But for pure physical and emotional pleasure, eating , with the senses engaged is an incredible feeling.

Being a compulsive overeater means that I have succumbed to something that has taken over my focus. It means that food rules me, that I don't have the power to control my own desires.

There is a concept in religion called Ruling Love - that we all have a Ruling Love. That ruling love will be the most important thing in our lives and will shape everything we do, every decision we make. If food is our Ruling Love then we would sacrifice everything else to fulfill that love. For some the ruling love is wealth, for others it is another person, and for others it may be power. Every action that a person makes will be first to satisfy that Ruling Love, placing it above all other options. Supplanting that Ruling Love is not easy and does require awareness and hard work and relying on something else to guide through. That is why I am compulsive overeater because I believe that my Ruling Love has been eating and food.

2.1 As I look with complete honesty at my life, how have I acted in an extremely irrational and self-destructive manner where eating is concerned?

Let me count the ways:

Overeating has always been a problem. Eating beyond the point of fullness the point of uncomfortableness.

Ordering multiple portions. Making more food than I need at a time because its 'cheaper' to buy and cook in quantity.

Taking food off my kids plate when they are finished and making sure that they have ordered 'enough' for both of us (of course I had my own meal too.)

Eating food from someone's plate when cleaning up the kitchen. food that they didn't want.

Eating food that has been frozen for months (although I don't find this objectionable some would)

Relying upon my nose to tell me if food is bad - I don't have a very sensitive nose.

Eating late at night after everyone is gone to bed so they don't know how much I am eating.

Snack foods are the worst - gorging in popcorn, chips, candy - wanting to get my 'fair share' before my sister did is what I remember about this. So I would eat handfuls at a time so I got as much as I wanted.

Barely chewing - more like inhaling food. Taking enormous bites - overstuffing my mouth.

Serving sizes that would chock a horse - always getting the super sized quantities.

Picking restaurants based upon the size of the serving rather than the quality of the preparation. Feeling like I had have my money's worth.

Not eating enough color - not enough green, orange, or yellow. Mostly browns and whites.

cooking foods I liked repeatedly because they were comfort foods - always eating in a routine.

sneaking food - many trips to the kitchen even when I was done with my meal to graze. Looking for food to fill a desire rather than a need.

not being disciplined about my eating - whenever, whereever, and as much as I wanted without concern about the consequences.

eating food that was to be saved for another meal or occasion, knowing that it could be replaced.

wanting to eat more than have sex with my wife when i was married.