2.9 how do I define that Higher Power?

I believe that God the Father was the creator of heaven and earth. I believe heaven is a metaphysical place - not defined by my senses. I believe that the earth and all of the cosmos was part of a creation initiated by God and that we continue to gain understanding about what that physical realm is through science. I don't believe in creation as defined in the Bible as it was written before the understanding of the physical limitations but that creation is a process that is every evolving and changing.

It is that evolution that is God's plan, not the intelligent design that is professed by those who cling so tightly to something that doesn't account for time, evolution and science. Just like Copernicus opened our eyes to a helo-centric system, there are others who continue to open our eyes to theories that seem more logical and grounded than what is professed by 'right'.

So how does this define my Higher Power? I don't know that it does. I hear people in my faith say that God answered their prayers for healing, repairing, getting them through struggles. Others say, "It is God's Plan that " something bad should occur. So it was God's plans to devastate hundreds of thousands of innocents because of an earthquake/tsunami? It was his plan to put mad men into power to commit genocide on their own people? It was his plan to bankrupt our society and others in pursuit of hedonism and self-satisfaction?

Yet I know and believe that if it asked for it will be provided. I suppose the most important thing is to remember that the mere act of asking is a means of setting my head into a place that I can receive his help. That by asking and then by waiting for the answer - which won't be a thunderbolt but a whisper - I give Him time (in my own understanding of time) to respond.

Calvin espoused that we are fore-ordained to something - that the whole complicated plan is already defined by God, if we wish to participate in his Plan. Conceptually it is difficult to reason because foreordination removes free will. As we reasoned before if we have the heart of child, who has given his will to his parent for safety and sustenance, we can rely that God will care for us, listen to us, act for what is best for us. That may not be a part of this world but in the realm that we go to after we leave this mortal sphere.

So why am I having trouble with this? Why am I so stiff-necked and unwilling (there is the word again) to reach out to my higher power? Is it because I haven't fully sunk to the depths of dispair and believe that I can do this on my own without His help?

The step is completely about accepting and understanding the role of the higher power:

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Now is the time to act as if ... even if I haven't gotten my arms around the complete concept try it and let it work but don't say I don't believe so I won't try - act as if.

2.8 Since my willpower can't change my unsuccessful way of living, am I willing to look for a power greater than myself to restore me to sanity?

It seems easier to answer other questions - those that are more self-directed than questions about looking for help for someone else or something else. Maybe because it also means that I have to change - to listen - to ask for the help to work through the issues that make me act compulsively.
I can see how this hard to accept for an atheist - someone who doesn't accept that there is a higher power, because then you are asking for help from nothing. You may as well as for help from a car or statue or a wall.
But coming to accept that there is a power greater than yourself, even if it means just putting your will and your hopes into that things control, it will make it possible to give up the things that are holding me back.
Holding my grandson I realize that there isn't anything that he isn't completely dependent upon from his family - parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. He has turned his will over to them - his control and as they are benevolent he will thrive. Jesus told his disciples that unless they come to the kingdom as a child they would not enter. That is what he was saying - give your will to God and he will care for you. Even his prayer says "Thy will be done".
So asking for the help and turning over my will to God is the only way to sanity with food.

2.7 Have I come to believe that I need to change? Why?

Absolutely - for two reasons.

1. I was going to die if I didn't - either from deteriorating health or from personal actions.

2. I wasn't happy being what I was - I was slothful, disheveled, physically unfit, and mentally corrupt.

I still go through those feelings sometimes - being down, but they are less frequent and don't last as long. That's progress.

2.6 In what ways have I overreacted to slight provocations while ignoring the real issues in my life?

My most vivid memories of this are how I have dealt with my children. Seemingly innocuous actions on their part would often result in my getting upset at them. I recall recently an event where my keys fell down the side of my car seat and virtually impossible to reach. I went crazy - how my life was a mess, that I didn't deserve to exist, that people were better off without me around - all because my keys were out of reach. That seems in retrospect a fairly large overreaction for something that was pretty mundane.

2.5 I have not acted sanely when: e. I drew the drapes, disconnected the phone and hid in the house?

I can't say that I have ever done this - but I have not answered the phone when it has rung because I didn't want to engage with someone, usually when I don't know the caller or I know them, but don't want to engage with them. This is tied to my self-esteem.

2.5 I have not acted sanely when: d. I limited my social life?

I addressed this in the previous response.

2.5 I have not acted sanely when: c. I was more comfortable with food than with people.

Boy does this ever ring true for me. I would much rather spend time in the kitchen than meeting with the people. When I have cooked for large groups and there is the perfunctory thank you applause, I have preferred to remain in the the kitchen cleaning up from the cooking than facing the crowd. A couple of times I have been shamed into getting the applause.

I suppose this question is more about preferring to be alone and eating than being with people - I have at other times hovered around the 'food table' rather than engaging with people at a party - as if my weight made me uninteresting and so I would prefer to eat than to engage. I actually turn down invitations rather than having to be in that situation.

I put my hand in yours

I put my hand in yours
and together we can do
what we could never do alone.

No longer is there a sense of hopelessness.
No longer must we each depend upon
our own unsteady willpower.

We are all together now,
reaching out our hands for power and strength
greater than ours.

And as we join hands,
We find love and understanding
Beyond our wildest dreams.

2.5 I have not acted sanely when: b. I was jealously possessive of my mate?

This really doesn't apply at least when it comes to my ex-wife. But I do recall that my relationship with Marsha was more complex in this area. Because we weren't 'free' when we started up our relationship I always felt that we were temporary. And because of that I always wondered how committed she was to 'us'. Perhaps that was a way of being possessive.

2.5: How have I not acted sanely when: a. I yelled in response to my children's need for attention?

2.5: How have I not acted sanely when:
a. I yelled in response to my children's need for attention?

I don't recollect that this was an issue for me but I suppose there have been times when my children have needed my attention and I was so focused on food that I didn't recognize their needs. I do recall many times when I would spend time preparing meals for the kids when they would be coming for a visit (evening or weekend) and I would be more worried about making sure that they were fed (and of course me too) that I wouldn't give them the attention they would need. I would tell them to go watch TV or read a book (which they rarely did) or get busy with homework - so I could focus on getting the food ready. And then of course it was more important to me that they eat than talk. So often I would find them not interested in the food and would get upset that they didn't care about what I had prepared, which was disappointing. After all it was food so how could they not care.

2.4 In what ways have I continued to try to find comfort in excess food, long after it began to cause me misery?

Psychologically I can see there is a euphoria from eating, especially foods I like. That first bite of a very rich dessert, homemade bread, or a well seasoned piece of beef is fantastic. The second bite is good but not as good as the first. Each succeeding bite the intensity and the flavors diminish to the point that by time that last bite is eaten it has become almost mundane. My daughter is a person who can get so much enjoyment from one bite of food - but once the flavor has diminished she no longer feels a need to eat. Often she will leave 80% of her meal uneaten because she has what she wanted from it - a taste and a fullness.
Myself on the other hand find that instead of accepting that the second, third and fourth bites of something (or serving of something) will not taste as rich and flavorful as the first bite and stop when I have reached fullness, continue to eat until its all gone. stopping just isn't part of my nature so I eat beyond fullness, beyond comfort.

One other factor that plays into this is that the results of overeating may not be felt until several hours later when reflux happens, heart burn and even inhalation from the reflux. When I was eating enough to feed a family of four I would often get reflux that I would inhale, causing a miserable night of coughing, rasping and discomfort. Since I have been able to control my eating I feel better able to avoid the reflux discomfort.

2.3 When those methods worked, how have I inevitably lost control and overeaten again, putting back on the weight I worked so hard to lose? Explain.

I think that once I have lost the weight (even now) that I can dabble in the 'forbidden fruit'. Its okay to have that dessert, that extra serving of pasta, that pint of ice cream because I know that I can lose it later. And besides what is one extra serving going to do to me and my weight - after all its only one little bit more.
Boy can I justify it .... its easy to say it won't make that much difference and I have the will power to control my eating tomorrow. So today its eat drink and eat some more.
I find sometimes when I have broken my abstinence, that I will say to my self "Well since you have already cheated you can do whatever you want today." As if there's someone keeping a score card and once you have blown it you might as well get everything that you have wanted but couldn't have. The irony is until I realize that I have to replace the 'want' with the 'need' and only look for the things I need. I am usually about the want not the need.

2,2 In what ways have I obsessed with diets and/or weight loss schemes?

I haven't been a diet freak - I have tried diets in the past and had reasonable success but I wouldn't say that I was obsessed. Of course the diets didn't stick - once I lost my focus my eating would go out of control again and I would put the weight back on. Although some of these programs worked on portion control and even behavior changes, most of the focus was on the physical aspects of weight, a little about the emotional aspects and nothing about the spiritual aspects. There was nothing about getting help from other sources - the focus was on how your life would improve once your body image was changed.

I have never tried to use drugs to control my appetite - that was always seemed like a no win situation. You might stop eating but what the hell was it doing to your body? And once you were done with the pills, what would happen? Appetite returns, weight gained - only thing that is smaller is your wallet (and your self-esteem.)

How has your complusive eating harmed your life? Include at least five ways.

The question asks to list at least five ways that compulsive eating has harmed my life:

1. My health - although I feel like my health has improved at one point it was totally a slug; couldn't walk, could perform even mundane task without becoming breathless; high blood pressure and onset diabetes.

2. My relationships - my eating has added to my weight and my weight has made me unattractive; being unattractive has made me lonely.

3. My ego - I like to think of myself as I was when I was in school - young and energetic, but I know I am not. That knowledge has taken its toll on my self-esteem and therefore how I think of myself. I often feel that I can't succeed so why try.

4. my finances - because of the lack of self esteem I haven't tried to find employment. Being unemployed has required me to use funds that were earmarked for retirement. Using those funds has impacted my taxes, my belief that I can eventually retire - of course I suppose I am retired but it won't be comfortably.

5. my family - I don't feel that I have been able to provide for my children in a way that will make them feel less threatened by the things that they will face in their lives, both financial and socially. Although Vickie is happy and doing well I think she is living on a shoestring and may very well have financial problems in the future. Stephanie hasn't shown any interest in getting an education or a more satisfying and better paying job. Should I as her parent take responsibility for that? Or is that the sign of being a co-dependent? Yet I know that if I were in a better place financially I could be a help but at the same time that isn't what she needs.

And what does this have to do with my overeating issues? I know that there is relationship although maybe not as direct as the question implies.

What does being a compulsive overeater mean to you? Why did you compulsively eat?

After sex, eating is the most pleasurable thing that I have ever experienced physically. Certainly there are more emotional things - hugging my children, watching them succeed or show joy, being with a person that I love, even feeling the empathetic hurt and pain of someone when they tell how their lives are in a shambles. But for pure physical and emotional pleasure, eating , with the senses engaged is an incredible feeling.

Being a compulsive overeater means that I have succumbed to something that has taken over my focus. It means that food rules me, that I don't have the power to control my own desires.

There is a concept in religion called Ruling Love - that we all have a Ruling Love. That ruling love will be the most important thing in our lives and will shape everything we do, every decision we make. If food is our Ruling Love then we would sacrifice everything else to fulfill that love. For some the ruling love is wealth, for others it is another person, and for others it may be power. Every action that a person makes will be first to satisfy that Ruling Love, placing it above all other options. Supplanting that Ruling Love is not easy and does require awareness and hard work and relying on something else to guide through. That is why I am compulsive overeater because I believe that my Ruling Love has been eating and food.

2.1 As I look with complete honesty at my life, how have I acted in an extremely irrational and self-destructive manner where eating is concerned?

Let me count the ways:

Overeating has always been a problem. Eating beyond the point of fullness the point of uncomfortableness.

Ordering multiple portions. Making more food than I need at a time because its 'cheaper' to buy and cook in quantity.

Taking food off my kids plate when they are finished and making sure that they have ordered 'enough' for both of us (of course I had my own meal too.)

Eating food from someone's plate when cleaning up the kitchen. food that they didn't want.

Eating food that has been frozen for months (although I don't find this objectionable some would)

Relying upon my nose to tell me if food is bad - I don't have a very sensitive nose.

Eating late at night after everyone is gone to bed so they don't know how much I am eating.

Snack foods are the worst - gorging in popcorn, chips, candy - wanting to get my 'fair share' before my sister did is what I remember about this. So I would eat handfuls at a time so I got as much as I wanted.

Barely chewing - more like inhaling food. Taking enormous bites - overstuffing my mouth.

Serving sizes that would chock a horse - always getting the super sized quantities.

Picking restaurants based upon the size of the serving rather than the quality of the preparation. Feeling like I had have my money's worth.

Not eating enough color - not enough green, orange, or yellow. Mostly browns and whites.

cooking foods I liked repeatedly because they were comfort foods - always eating in a routine.

sneaking food - many trips to the kitchen even when I was done with my meal to graze. Looking for food to fill a desire rather than a need.

not being disciplined about my eating - whenever, whereever, and as much as I wanted without concern about the consequences.

eating food that was to be saved for another meal or occasion, knowing that it could be replaced.

wanting to eat more than have sex with my wife when i was married.

The Doctors Opinion - History of compulsive eating

I have always been a food sneak - eating when I was alone or sneaking food. As a kid I loved bread and peanut butter and jam. It was my main food until I reached high school. My mother used to comment on how easy it was to make my lunch because it was always the same - PB&J, fruit, milk, and of course, twinkies. I think the twinkies when I was a kid were better than they are now - they were softer, spongier. But I truly digress.

When I was in High School we had a very talented teacher that enjoyed staging reviews - and awards were given to people who had participated in the show. I wasn't a talent but I did help with the staging, lighting, rigging, etc. We took this show on the 'road' going to other schools with our show and, of course, we had to take our lunch as were gone all day. I made sure that I had enough food to 'sustain' me - probably enough to sustain the whole cast. At the end of the season I was given the Lunch Mouth Award and I didn't even see that it was an insult, not a complement.

I have tried diets and diet programs, but not until I was out of college and my body image had gotten to the point of blimp. I have never sought medical advise except when my GP said it would be good for me to lose some weight as was risking heart and stroke problems. I heard him but didn't really take any action to address it.

I think one of the most disappointing points about dieting was when I had gone onto a much stricter regimen eating only fresh vegetables at lunch (salad with no canned items) for several months and was doing quite well at reducing my weight. This was in response to my doctor finding that I had a heart arrhythmia. I thought that by losing the weight I would get things better in my heart beat but the cardiologist explained that the arrhythmia wasn't weight related but probably a result of a significant infection I had suffered. That was such a disappointment and it took the wind out of my sail and my will power.

This is really brief but for many years I didn't care - probably for two decades. I was 'happy' with my eating - probably the only thing that I felt I did well so I did it often.

Now I realize that my own will power and the diet programs that I had previously tried are missing the thing that will make it work - a higher power who will help me thorough One Day At A Time.

9. Have I made an honest appraisal of my experience and am I convinced that I can't handle life through self-will alone? Explain.

I think the answer is obvious - I haven't been able to will myself to control so many things. But that isn't what the question asks - it really is asking have you come to a conclusion, that is, become convinced. Although the answer is obvious that I haven't been able to handle things with self-will, if I remain deluded that I may someday attain that will, then I haven't convinced myself (or anyone else). The short answer is that I need help if I am ever going to handle the impacts in my life.

The other part of the question is whether I have made an honest appraisal of my experience - I think I have been honest about my experiences with trying to control my addiction. There does seem to be something weak about not having the will to handle stress without turning to food - to bingeing. And with God's help maybe I will be able to get to that place.

Do I acknowledge that my current methods of managing have not been successful, and I need to find a new approach to life. Explain

The definition of insanity that seems to fit so well ... is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. My current methods of managing my life in general and compulsive behaviors specifically haven't worked. I have tried self-control, positive thinking training, diet plans, and finally, giving up. I didn't care ... let life just roll over me because I can't control it anyway. I quit living and hoped for dying.

Those thoughts aren't always gone but they aren't pervasive like they were. Usually when I get to that place in the past, I have just looked for anything that would 'satisfy' my cravings, usually heavy, fat, greasy, rib-sticking, home food. I am still not in a place where I work the tools. Rarely do I go to the literature, pick up the phone, look for a meeting, or just start writing. Learning to use the tools - to get to a better place is the key.

So I do acknowledge that what I have been doing hasn't been working and that getting a new approach isn't just important, it's a matter of life and death.

Why do I binge?

I feel like I am in control usually but sometimes I let it all go ... even when I know that I am full and don't need to eat anymore. So what is it that I am feeling at that time?

1. Anxious = not about the food but about some other stimulus - lack of purpose. I feel like I am sleep walking sometimes - going through life waiting for something to happen but not doing anything to make things happen.

2. bored - sometimes when I am not being active or engaged into something I will find myself migrating to the frig/stove/shelf. I have reduced my wheat floured cravings somewhat. I haven't made bread since the first of the year - even though I have been investigating how to make a good baguette.

3. lost hope - I have dreamed that by losing weight and getting my mind in a better place that I can find a new life - one that I can share with someone. and when I get to a place where I lose that dream I feel begin to feel sorry for myself and will start to binge. It doesn't matter anyway if I am fat, unhealthy or unattractive.

4. lost confidence - when I weigh myself and find that I haven't lost or even gained, well it just seems like its waste of time and I begin to binge.

Do I believe only an honest admission to myself of the reality of my condition can save me from my destructive eating? Why?

6. Do I believe only an honest admission to myself of the reality of my condition can save me from my destructive eating? Why?

Absolutely - Admitting it to my sponsor, to friends and to others in OA do not make it happen, only to solidify resolve. If I haven't admit to myself and accepted that many parts of my life are out of control - unmanageable - then I will never do anything to release my weight and to recover my life.

I understand that this is life changing process - not just getting control of my eating. The eating is more of a demonstration/edification of my condition. If I had other vices - drinking, drugs, even sexual addictions - they would also be out of control.

What if I didn't accept the reality of my condition? What would things be like? Would I be able to release my weight and be able to recover my life? Not likely. What else do I have to do to make things better?

Get a job
Improve my outlook
Consider new horizons

5. Have I tried to control myself and wound up demoralized? Even when I succeed, has it been enough to make me happy? Explain.

5. Have I tried to control myself and wound up demoralized? Even when I succeed, has it been enough to make me happy? Explain.

How many times have I started something only to give up, to stop trying, to say its too hard. As a child, it was sports - I was never that good but had hopes. But once I would tryout and not succeed, I would quit. I know its a character flaw - but I often look back at it and think "My dad shouldn't have let me stop" or "Mom was too permissive about things like that." It was their fault that I wasn't better at things - not the fact that I just wasn't a very good athlete and lacked the tenacity to practice until I could master it.

As an adult I often let others decide what would happen. In work I never asked for or demanded raises or promotions. Fortunately, the promotions came without much trouble until I reached a manager; then it wasn't based on time on the job and being a loyal and diligent employee. It was based upon meeting or exceeding expectations and stroking the right egos.

In personal relationships it was also more like things would happen - not that I would make them happen. I started dating my wife after she let it be known that she wanted me to ask her out (to a personal friend). I didn't actually propose - I asked in a backward way "if I were to ask you would you consider it?" Not really a proposal. Then when it came time to actually ask - she said "if you were to ask that question, then I think I would say 'yes'" - several weeks later. So who proposed to whom?

I have only really felt like I was a success when I became a parent. Having the unconditional love of a child was the most wonderful feeling.

My past attempts to control my impulses and addictive behaviors haven't been very successful. I tried on several different times to start diets and weight control programs with some success. But it was so easy to revert - to justify giving up. "Hey I proved I can lose weight - look at how well I am doing. So I can have (fill in the blank) because I have proven what I can do." After so many times of saying I 'earned' this - and realizing that I was no longer following the plan, so I would give it all up. Its the same cycle.