Step 1 - Christmas Eve

It was very encouraging today to attend the OA meeting. There was a warm and accepting spirit shown (I felt it anyway) in the meeting. I felt truly supported.

I wasn't the only man at the meeting - Bill A was there (he is married to one of the other people that attends this group). He was encouraging and suggested that I come to the Men's meeting that gathers in Santa Rosa on Sunday nights. He even suggested that I might find it a better place to find a sponsor since another man may identify better with any stuff that I may deal with in recovery.

I still have a hard time accepting the idea that this is a disease/disorder and that participating is a form of recovery from trauma or disease. Yet sometimes the draw to food does seem overwhelming and all consuming. That's the difficulty isn't it.

Anyway, its Christmas Eve 2009 and I am in my fourth day of abstinence (or at least my brand of abstinence). I will pray for strength to make it through the next two days.

Step 1 - Started the abstinence

Did I say it already that I have started - that I am abstinent. Only a few days so far but it hasn't been as bad as I expected.

Still trying to figure out what my plan for eating will be. I know that I have to cut carbs because of the 'd' word. I thought it was just sugar that was a problem but I did a lot of reading and the list of things to be controlled is much bigger than I expected. White bread, white pasta, white cheese. I found some good information on WebMD - how to judge portions using common things in your mind. Things like CDs, golf balls, dice, and a card deck.

Also found a recipe on the American Diabetics Assoc. for some really bad muffins. Banana - Apple. But dry... can only be eaten with coffee. Won't make those again.

I ordered a few books - The 12 steps for OA, The 12 step workbook for OA, and the book of personal reflections. By immersion I can be baptized.

Step 1 - The realization

I continue to read from the Overeaters Anonymous little brown book, and am getting so much from the personal stories I have read. I can hear the heartbreak that the writers have been through.

I was always pretty jaded about weight - my sister was always overweight and it was always a constant battle - diets, bingeing, secret eating. I didn't have those problems - I was so active that I could eat anything anytime any quantity and not worry. She suffered so much. She had problems with her kidneys and her glands. She was eventually diagnosed as having some sort of chemical imbalance that likely caused her to have weight problems.

I read something in the book that really struck home for me: It is strange to realize when I look back that I was trying to "get even" with my friends, and especially my family, by eating. How it hurt them to see me eating and apparently not caring what I was doing to myself. I overlooked the fact that although I was hurting them, I was destroying myself.

For my parents and sister I don't think that this was so much the case because my weight gains came after I left the household - college and after. But for my ex-wife and my girls it seems to strike a cord - that my life and the eating that came with it was hurtful.

I need to commit to this. I need to begin my Steps. I need to believe that there is a life ahead instead of life has ended.

Step 1 - Party Hardy!

Today was hard and I can say somewhat successful. Tonight was the annual Christmas Party at my best friend's house and we had a wonderful time. There was a lot food, lot of drinks, lots of mixed nuts, and lots of joy.

I felt good about how things went at the party. I wasn't abstinent but I didn't binge like I have done in the past. Grandpa Ben makes a killer clam dip with fritos... I used to gorge on this stuff. Tonight I kept to two chips with dip. I didn't eat any nuts and was able to be alcohol free. Such a difference from the past. And I had good time and was sober and not uncomfortable with the food. So that was a plus. Maybe there is something to this program. I sure hope it directs me in the right way.

Step 1 - Come on Back!

I had a good day/bad day yesterday.

Good was that I took myself back to the meeting and I was able to share with the group one of my motivations for looking at OA to make changes. There was a speaker (Jim) who had been very heavy in early 2000's and has lost a considerable amount of weight. I liked his sharing because it was honest about how easy it is to get back into compulsive Overeating.

Bad was that I came home from the meeting and did what I always do late at night. Nothing was safe in the kitchen. I feel like that before I commit to this I need to 'bulk up' - try to get it out of my system before it can overtake me. Yet the problem with that wrong headed thinking is that it isn't getting rid of anything - only making things progress to the negative.

I ordered the Overeaters Anonymous Workbook and the little brown book (with all the personal sharings) via Amazon. It may be that I should have bought from the OA group but this seemed more private. (here I am putting it in to writing so I don't know why I wanted privacy - CO logic.)

That's it for now.

Step 1 - Admit it!

It's the first day - I just admitted to myself and to someone in a blog that I am a compulsive overeater and that I have to do something about it before it kills me.

So the first step says "We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable."

My first observation is that it is in the past tense and it isn't personal - uses the pronoun We. I suppose that is specific because the Overeaters Anonymous (I have to look up how to spell that word) is a community, working together to become abstinent. I think it is saying that you can't do this alone - that you have to have support.

Second observation - unmanageable. Seems like I don't have control over anything - food, work (unemployed), debts, relationships. Of course this assumes that control over and managing are synonymous.

Well that's my first blog note and my first (no second) time admitting that I am a compulsive overeater. Even if this is never read by anyone I have at least put down in writing my initial thoughts about Step 1.