2.9 how do I define that Higher Power?

I believe that God the Father was the creator of heaven and earth. I believe heaven is a metaphysical place - not defined by my senses. I believe that the earth and all of the cosmos was part of a creation initiated by God and that we continue to gain understanding about what that physical realm is through science. I don't believe in creation as defined in the Bible as it was written before the understanding of the physical limitations but that creation is a process that is every evolving and changing.

It is that evolution that is God's plan, not the intelligent design that is professed by those who cling so tightly to something that doesn't account for time, evolution and science. Just like Copernicus opened our eyes to a helo-centric system, there are others who continue to open our eyes to theories that seem more logical and grounded than what is professed by 'right'.

So how does this define my Higher Power? I don't know that it does. I hear people in my faith say that God answered their prayers for healing, repairing, getting them through struggles. Others say, "It is God's Plan that " something bad should occur. So it was God's plans to devastate hundreds of thousands of innocents because of an earthquake/tsunami? It was his plan to put mad men into power to commit genocide on their own people? It was his plan to bankrupt our society and others in pursuit of hedonism and self-satisfaction?

Yet I know and believe that if it asked for it will be provided. I suppose the most important thing is to remember that the mere act of asking is a means of setting my head into a place that I can receive his help. That by asking and then by waiting for the answer - which won't be a thunderbolt but a whisper - I give Him time (in my own understanding of time) to respond.

Calvin espoused that we are fore-ordained to something - that the whole complicated plan is already defined by God, if we wish to participate in his Plan. Conceptually it is difficult to reason because foreordination removes free will. As we reasoned before if we have the heart of child, who has given his will to his parent for safety and sustenance, we can rely that God will care for us, listen to us, act for what is best for us. That may not be a part of this world but in the realm that we go to after we leave this mortal sphere.

So why am I having trouble with this? Why am I so stiff-necked and unwilling (there is the word again) to reach out to my higher power? Is it because I haven't fully sunk to the depths of dispair and believe that I can do this on my own without His help?

The step is completely about accepting and understanding the role of the higher power:

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Now is the time to act as if ... even if I haven't gotten my arms around the complete concept try it and let it work but don't say I don't believe so I won't try - act as if.

2.8 Since my willpower can't change my unsuccessful way of living, am I willing to look for a power greater than myself to restore me to sanity?

It seems easier to answer other questions - those that are more self-directed than questions about looking for help for someone else or something else. Maybe because it also means that I have to change - to listen - to ask for the help to work through the issues that make me act compulsively.
I can see how this hard to accept for an atheist - someone who doesn't accept that there is a higher power, because then you are asking for help from nothing. You may as well as for help from a car or statue or a wall.
But coming to accept that there is a power greater than yourself, even if it means just putting your will and your hopes into that things control, it will make it possible to give up the things that are holding me back.
Holding my grandson I realize that there isn't anything that he isn't completely dependent upon from his family - parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. He has turned his will over to them - his control and as they are benevolent he will thrive. Jesus told his disciples that unless they come to the kingdom as a child they would not enter. That is what he was saying - give your will to God and he will care for you. Even his prayer says "Thy will be done".
So asking for the help and turning over my will to God is the only way to sanity with food.

2.7 Have I come to believe that I need to change? Why?

Absolutely - for two reasons.

1. I was going to die if I didn't - either from deteriorating health or from personal actions.

2. I wasn't happy being what I was - I was slothful, disheveled, physically unfit, and mentally corrupt.

I still go through those feelings sometimes - being down, but they are less frequent and don't last as long. That's progress.

2.6 In what ways have I overreacted to slight provocations while ignoring the real issues in my life?

My most vivid memories of this are how I have dealt with my children. Seemingly innocuous actions on their part would often result in my getting upset at them. I recall recently an event where my keys fell down the side of my car seat and virtually impossible to reach. I went crazy - how my life was a mess, that I didn't deserve to exist, that people were better off without me around - all because my keys were out of reach. That seems in retrospect a fairly large overreaction for something that was pretty mundane.

2.5 I have not acted sanely when: e. I drew the drapes, disconnected the phone and hid in the house?

I can't say that I have ever done this - but I have not answered the phone when it has rung because I didn't want to engage with someone, usually when I don't know the caller or I know them, but don't want to engage with them. This is tied to my self-esteem.

2.5 I have not acted sanely when: d. I limited my social life?

I addressed this in the previous response.

2.5 I have not acted sanely when: c. I was more comfortable with food than with people.

Boy does this ever ring true for me. I would much rather spend time in the kitchen than meeting with the people. When I have cooked for large groups and there is the perfunctory thank you applause, I have preferred to remain in the the kitchen cleaning up from the cooking than facing the crowd. A couple of times I have been shamed into getting the applause.

I suppose this question is more about preferring to be alone and eating than being with people - I have at other times hovered around the 'food table' rather than engaging with people at a party - as if my weight made me uninteresting and so I would prefer to eat than to engage. I actually turn down invitations rather than having to be in that situation.